Guilt

Am I ever not feeling guilty?

What am I guilty of... well here are some of the reasons on the list...

• For not spending enough time with bubs
• Eating the wrong food
• Not exercising
• Not doing my uni work
• Not looking after the house enough
• Not cooking nice dinner
• Not being a good wife
• Not staying in contact with my friends

Every time I am doing something – I seem to feel guilty, because I feel I should be doing something else.

When I was on maternity leave and a stay at home mum – I felt guilty because I wasn’t working. 

Now I am back working I feel guilty I’m not with my baby… and then I feel guilty because I’m only working part-time… 

After the guilt (or because of) there comes the ‘justification’.

When I was on maternity leave I felt I always had to justify, ‘Well, I am at home with the baby now, but I am a superhero usually.’

When we moved countries, I gave up my job as a superhero and am now a part-time non-superhero…  So of course, I still feel I have to justify what I once was… ‘I’m a part-time non-superhero now… but last year I was a superhero…’

I think some of the guilt and justification is because I feel I have lost some of my identity since I became a mum… My life was my work… now what is my life?  - my child? well yes (I have to say that don't I?), but do I have to give up 'me'? … I am part of the ‘Have it all’ generation… I am embodying ‘female choice, autonomy, consumerism and aesthetic perfection whilst denying a space for drudgery or confinement to the home’ (can I just say that ref: Allen & Osgood was pulled from my thesis – to prove I do get some Uni work done… sometimes… why I eat chocolate… and don’t do the house work… and don’t play with the baby… and don’t go to the gym….. and am generally a bad person). I blame it on the expectation to be the perfect 'yummy mummy'.

Anyway, speaking of 'yummy mummy' the Body Transformation task this week – Mentor M has me emptying the kitchen cupboards of all things evil.

The task was to put the rubbish bin into the middle of the room, open the cupboards and throw everything out that is bad… now come on MM – if that doesn't make someone feel guilty I don't know what does! There is nothing worse than throwing out perfectly ‘good’ food – at least let me eat it in one big feast… and feel guilty about that!

To be honest there actually wasn't that much naughty food in our kitchen (when someone uses the words ‘to be honest’, they are soooo lying  – it’s like saying ‘not being mean, but’… just before you verbally abuse the person).

Therefore I’ll be honest, there is (was) a packet of Tim Tams…to justify (as I always do)...there is a story about why they were there, it entails – a Visitor coming, buying biscuits, Ramadan, Biscuits still here… Yes visitor was fasting! Actually, lucky when he got here he mentioned he had to get back for the prayers before the husband could offer the biscuits (how's that for cruelty - waving TimTams around while someone is fasting! Now that would be something to feel guilty about!!), so Tim Tams are (were) still in the cupboard.

So all the junk food is to be eradicated, that’s all the sugary, processed foods, soft drinks, cordials and juices, all to be replaced with healthy foods.

As I was saying, to be honest (mmm), there isn’t that much junk in the cupboards, probably because if there was I’d have eaten it already…. For example, as you've probably guessed the Tim Tams aren’t there any more, I really suck at the self discipline. That is the whole reason we are doing this task, hey MM? 

So now, after feeling guilty for having the stuff in the cupboard, then guilty for getting rid of it, I feel guilty, for feeling guilty all the time......

I can never win!!

up, up and away....